Monday, April 20

 Monday, April 20

You can't imagine the amount of work it required to remember the date today. In fact, I wasn't even sure it was still April. I have been terribly negligent in my writing and I hope I can do an adequate job of catching you up on my adventures. When I left off so abruptly I was in Gießen. Gießen is a very boring town, but I guess it's good to see even towns like that since it's different from the touristy places. Friday night we had dinner here at Kai’s apartment, with three of his five roommates; and then they had all their friends there. It wasn't very interesting for me because they spoke German most of the time. I don't think it was an act of exclusion, they just didn't feel comfortable speaking English. The next day I took a short ride a few kilometers out of town up to an 11th-century church. The church was nice but the best part was the ride. Germany is very cycle-friendly as there are bike lanes or paths almost everywhere. Friday afternoon chi and I decided to go to Kassel to try to find Keith as we haven't been successful in doing so over the phone. After using about all of our resources available, we were very lucky to find an American who knew him in new how we could get in touch with him. We finally found him at about 11:30. You can't imagine how great it was to see him! We were so intensely close for what seemed like a long time, in a very intense situation, so that it seems like he's an old friend. we jammed as much catching up as we could into about an hour but then we had to leave, as the next day Kai had to drive the six hours back to Geneva. I wanted very badly to stay but didn't feel it was prudent in light of the fact that I really want to get to Munich.

           Sunday I spent a very long time poring over the maps, trying to figure out where to go. I've spent countless hours simply making plans and re-making plans, oftentimes only to change them once I get started. For me, that's one of the best parts of traveling. This is what I planned: Darmstadt to Speyer on Monday, Speyer to Stuttgart Tuesday, somehow to Freiburg by Friday, Freiburg to basil on Monday, and then Basel to Munich somehow. Well, I spent last night in Darmstadt with Thilo, the guy I met in the comarge in the south of France. Kai dropped me off there on his way back to Geneva. When I got to the apartment he and his friend were viewing slides of his trip to Thailand and Malaysia. I think he must have bought these slides from National Geographic or something, as they were just amazing photos. He saw some really remote places and recorded some fascinating images. And he's the type of person who seems to have the most interesting travel experiences, like getting lost in the jungle and meeting a Malaysian girl who decides she wants to marry him within three days of meeting him, and the girl turns out to be famous locally because she's in children films. In New Orleans he just happened to stumble upon a very small celebration honoring Jimmy Carter (who by the way looked fat in the photos!)

           This morning I got a late start, after organizing my newly acquired belongings that I got at Keith’s, and after having to just generally prepare myself for being on the road again. I wanted to try to cash the cashier's check you gave me, as I only had 10DM left. so, really, I needed to change it, as I was pretty much destitute. I was waiting outside the bank waiting for it to reopen at two and began talking to a guy, a German, who is asking me about my trip. When I re-emerged from the bank unsuccessful he asked me why. With a cashier's check, I'd have to have someone who has an account at that bank cash to check for me. I'm sure Thilo passing account somewhere, but I don't know him well enough to ask him to do something like that, as the money has to first come out of the person's account. Then there's a period of a few days of doubt when they have to check and make sure the check is good. So I didn't know what I was going to do. Even though I've learned to live quite cheaply, $14.00 doesn't go too far. So Martin then did something which moved me to tears, after I'd had a chance to recover from the shark. He took 100 DM from his wallet and said he hoped he'd see his money again. He gave it to me and told me that when I got more money I could repay him by mail. I blabber dawn about not having expected this kind of kindness from a perfect stranger and that he definitely be repaid as soon as possible, etc . . . he just smiled and said that life's just a big adventure anyway and you've got to make of it what you will. I think, in the 10 minutes that I knew this guy I fell madly in love with him . . or maybe with what he did- - and I'll probably never see him again. I still haven't recovered from that completely. At three, I left Thilo’s, heading for Heidelberg. The ride was beautiful. It followed the bergstraße, which is a scenic Rd passing through little villages and past vineyards and such. Virtually the entire time there was a bike path. I got to Heidelberg at about 6:30, not knowing where I'd stay--perhaps a campground, maybe a youth hostel. however, with both of those options a change of money, of which I have very little, is involved. So I decided to check my Servas handbook on the chance that there might be someone in there who doesn't require advanced notice from her visitors. The first person I tried was:

1.    Home

2.    a fluent English speaker

3.    not only willing to let me stay, but willing to pick me up.

What luck!

I am at the hospital now, waiting until Ute picks me up at 10:30. I called her from here because I thought that it would be nice to be at the hostel if I was unsuccessful in finding a Servas host. it's amazing how the smallest things completely changed my plans. I know I've said this before, but it's really true before I contacted Ute I wasn't sure if I'd even ride much farther South. If I'd had to pay for a hostel tonight that would have delved into my shallow financial supply and I probably would have just gone to Stuttgart and then toward Munich without going to Freiburg and Basel.

Tuesday

           considering the conditions of the weather today maybe I will just head for Munich. It's about 10 degrees colder than yesterday, maybe more-- that means about 50 degrees. And it's raining quite steadily. Everyone tried to warn me that it was still not really warm in Germany but I came up anyway. And of course, we all know why. Speaking of Andreas (which I was), the other day in Gießen when I was making my travel plans I was surprised to notice that Tutzing is not really in Munich at all. It's about halfway down on the West side of the Sternberger See, about 40 kilometers south of Munich. I mentioned this to chi and he made an exclamation of surprise and said, “who is this guy?” Chi says that alongside the Stammberger See is a very exclusive place to live. I just had to laugh to myself because this always seems to happen to me. Maybe I have a nose for guys with money or something. I really don't want to leave this area of Germany too quickly, Though, because I'm practically in the Black Forest now and would like to see at least a little of it. We'll see.

           Ute Is a very nice woman. She's 31 and she works with physically handicapped people in a place where these people live. She's about 5/2 and very physically active. She's traveled extensively and knows English, Italian and Turkish. She lives in a city about 15 kilometers east of Heidelberg. Weckargemund. tonight we're going to a party for her friends who are getting married. She asked me if I'd rather go to the party or, if I want, she could give me the key to her apartment and I could do whatever I wanted. I was surprised to find that I was eager to go to the party. I imagine it will be mostly German-speaking people who all know each other and who are considerably older than I. Confronted with a choice such as this six months or a year ago I don't think I would have gone to the party. Not that I really want to spend the evening alone, I just think I would have found the former option too intimidating. But since I've gotten here I've become increasingly willing to try to meet people. It might not always be the easiest thing to do but I think it's better than just keeping to myself. After the party, we are going to Ute’s boyfriend's flat in Badlangebbruken, about 30 kilometers south of Heidelberg. So I will probably leave from there to go to Stuttgart, as that would give me a good head start on an otherwise really long day of riding.

Wednesday, May 1

           today is a national holiday in Germany. Today is Labor Day. Today is a wonderful day. Today is the day. Today is the day I see him. If my sentences seem a little simple it's because I'm having difficulty doing anything which isn't directly related to thinking about Andreas. I guess I should tell you what's going on. I've been gradually realizing that it will take me a couple of weeks to reach Munich by bicycle and gradually realizing that I don't want to wait that long. It would be torture for me, knowing I was that close to him and having to wait. So this morning I decided to call him to ask him when it would be convenient for me to come. It was the first time hi it's spoken to him since the first day when we met. It was so amazing to hear his voice. It's difficult to describe how it made me feel period since I met him I think I've been inspired more by the romantic idea of falling head over heels in love with him. And as I've gotten closer and closer to actually meeting him again I've begun to wonder if I will be pleased with his personality and everything that he's made up. I won't go so far as to say that I'm afraid I won't like him, because when I met him in California there must have been something about him that impressed me so much. Let's just say I've gotten slightly apprehensive, although no less eager to meet him, I'll have you know. Anyway, when I heard his voice today I was instantly and intensely affected by it. It was like something divine. I know it may seem like I'm being silly but I was really in shock for the next hour or so. I couldn't think about anything else besides the sound of his voice in my ear and how it will be to see him. He told me that anytime I come is fine but that he has to return to school on Monday, after having had a month or so of break. So I decided that, so we'll have at least a few unstressful days together, I should take the train tonight. Right now I'm waiting to hear from him as far as when would be a good time to take the train. There have been few times in my life when I have anticipated something with such excitement. I will probably call you from his house to let you know I've gotten there and gotten my mail (that is, assuming I do. I hope I do, because I'm spending most of my (or rather Martin’s) money on the train ticket).

           Yesterday Ute and I went into Heidelberg as I didn't want to ride there in the rain and she had a dentist appointment to make. I went to a department store and bought a T-shirt for one DM (about $0.60). it was so amazing to see what a difference a $0.60 purchase made! The whole trip I've gone with one T-shirt and it felt so luxurious to be wearing something different, new, and genuinely clean! And I bought eyeliner. For the party, I was wearing eyeliner and lipstick, the first time I wore makeup in about a month and a half. I hardly recognized myself!

           Speaking of the party, it took place in a small village about 15 kilometers north of Heidelberg. It was called Losch. the unofficial entrance requirement was that you had to break a cup or plate that you had brought from home. At the end of the evening, there was a large pile of shattered dishes. I was soon separated from Ute and Hans as they went off to greet their friends and socialize with them. There were a few minutes in the beginning when I felt almost intolerably awkward and out of place. I remember the worst point was when I was looking around at all the people all seated at their long, typical German beerhouse type of table. Of course, I knew no one and was intimidated by the language barrier. I didn't know what to do. If I left that part of the party and went to another, it would be the same situation. So finally I decided to just go force myself into a conversation with the man whom Ute had pointed out to me as being her former boyfriend. There was no official introduction; I just went up to him and began talking. It was really quite an act of desperation. He was very nice to me and we talked for a while until another man came over and began talking to me period from that point on, I had a great time period I didn't realize it at the time but today Hans told me I'd created quite a sensation for the locals because they're not accustomed to having American girls come to their parties. We stayed until after 3:00 AM by which time I'd made good friends with the groom-to-be, a really funny guy who was honored to meet someone from Nashville. It's been interesting to see people's reactions when I tell them where I'm from. When I say Tennessee most people are only vaguely familiar with it, if at all. But when I say I'm from Nashville, they say, oh Nashville TN! I know where that is! And then of course the next question is always something like do you know Dolly Parton?

           If you are perceptive, you will have noticed a marked decline in my handwriting during the past few lines. I quit writing after “if at all” because I talked to Andreas again. We discussed the situation and decided I should go to Munich tonight. Now I'm on the train and will be in Munich in about 3 hours and I'm having great difficulties dealing with it. I probably left half of my belongings at Ute's flat because I was in such a nervous frenzy. And it's only getting worse. Anyone at the train station would have to be amazingly perceptive to see that I am a woman in rapture because I think I look more like a nervous wreck. I'm just in such a daze right now I don't really know what to say. It's very difficult for me to think. But I think it's important to try to record what I'm feeling right now because I've never really experienced anything like it before. But if I marry a jealous man I will have to burn this page as I think it really reflects how profoundly affected by the thought of, and the knowledge that I'm about to see Andreas again.

Later. (Very much so)

           just want to write a little about how I feel now. It seems like all my preconceptions and images I've been picturing in my head have been shattered. All but one that is, that there's some really deep down bond between myself and Andreas. It didn't take long after we met in the train station for me to remember why I fell so hard for him in the first place. When I saw him for the first time tonight in the train station he looked so much younger than I'd remembered. Maybe when I met him in California since he was traveling alone it gave him an aura of maturity. He lives in a very homie, middle-class house which wasn't what I expected at all. I had expected him to be the wealthy, pampered, and spoiled type of guy who has everything he could ask for. As it turns out, he never really has gotten on well with his folks because they can't understand his desire to create and to travel rather than concentrate on establishing himself in a career. He says they've always favored his younger brother. He wishes he didn't live at home but living in Munich is so expensive. He showed me photos of furniture and light fixtures and such things that he has made and either sold or given away. When sold, it was always at a fraction of the price they are worth. But he says he doesn't care because he just loves doing it. I've said exactly the same thing about my T-shirts. I didn't know that he did these things, but for a couple of years now I've had the vague idea in the back of my mind that I could design lamps and lighting fixtures as I'm fascinated by the effects of light and color. I'd also like to make my own furniture. He's quite the James Dean type- the mysterious handsome loner on his motorcycle always with a joke on his lips but inside always serious. You can see it on his face; between his eyebrows, there's a little furrow that I think is a constant reminder of his inner thoughtfulness no matter what his outer appearances. All night I've been wavering between disbelief that I'm actually here and a feeling that I'm right at home. There's just this cohesiveness I feel with him that makes me feel so it is with him. From what he says it seems like most of his life he's been misunderstood- by his family and by strangers- and he's gotten his heart broken a couple of times by girls who I'm sure had no appreciation for who he is. This has caused him to want to push people away. He told me tonight that when he starts to get close to someone he pushes them away and he says he wants to be alone and that he can be happy that way! A year ago or more you would have heard me saying the exact same thing! I think I should thank Gary, the older man in Chattanooga who befriended me and took me under his wing, for my change of heart. He was constantly preaching to me about how I can't live my life that way because I won't be happy. He said you've got to get your heart broken in order to love, and that for all the bad times, there are 100 good times to make up for it. I gradually began to understand what he was trying to convince me of, through my relationship with Stuart. Sure, I got my heart broken, but I have only good memories of Stewart and I'm only good things to say about him. So I know exactly how Andreas feels and I want so badly to show him how wrong he is. I asked him if he's so insistent on pushing people away, why did he let me come visit him? And he told me “because I think you're different.” so I think he senses, as I know, that this could be the start of something extraordinary.

           Good morning light is beginning to show, so I will try to get some sleep. But I think it will be a long time coming.

Friday

           I just got through talking to you on the phone. I guess I'll try to explain what's going on if I can

Saturday, about noon

           I couldn't. All I could do was cry. And now I don't really feel like thinking about it but I don't have anything else to do. I'm not sure where Andreas is since I haven't left my room except to take a shower. He may be working on my bike which has been having a few problems, but I think it says a lot that he hasn't come up here to check on me and offer me breakfast, as he's done the past two mornings. This is how things are: since I got here I've absolutely poured my heart out to him and let him know without a doubt how much I've anticipated seeing him. I've told him everything about how I feel and he's told me nothing. In fact, he hasn't had much to say to me the whole time I've been here. I've tried very hard to communicate with him but he's like a wall. But then every once in a while he'll say something that reminds me why I feel the way I do about him. And so then I grab hold of that and try to probe deeper but it does absolutely no good.

Monday the 6^th

           It would be an understatement to say that the situation has changed dramatically. This is the way it is now: when I came here and saw Andreas again I could see how right my instincts were about him. I really flipped for him, as I already had flipped for him once before. Even though Andreas is not very communicative (another understatement) I really felt he had to feel the same way because it seemed he had to. No one can feel so strongly about something and be wrong. So I banked on this conclusion and for three days my losses were quite considerable. I became increasingly despondent because it looked like what had been a major impetus for this trip and had been the object of my mental affection for seven months was turning out to be a major disappointment. And I didn't know what to do or where to go. I wasn't really in the sightseeing type of mood so I was trying to decide where I could go. I just wanted to leave so much. His family must have been thinking I'm one of the most unsociable people they've ever met because, with the state of things, there was no way I could make small talk. I thought about staying with a Servas host until the banks opened on Monday so I could get more money as I didn't have the money to pay for a youth hostel. But part of the deal with Servas is that you're supposed to do a lot of interacting with your hosts- a kind of verbal cultural exchange. and I was in no mood for that either. The weather outside was perfect to fit my mood cold and rainy. To top it all off, Andreas had had the feeling something was wrong with my bike, so he took it apart and found that the front and bottom bearings need to be replaced. The rack on the back is also Askew so that when my things are strapped in it rubs against the tire. In other words, things everywhere were a mess and the only thing I felt I had enough desire to do was go to the railway station and throw myself onto the tracks in front of the next Munich bound train. The worst part was, at that time Andreas had my bike in several pieces and so I couldn't just pack and leave. But I finally went outside and told him that as soon as he got my bike back together I could leave because I didn't want to stay there anymore. In response I got no questions, only the reply, “you don't have to” since that seemed to me that that was a rather convincing development in what had been looking like I lost cause I went back inside to have one good last sob and try to figure out what to do. I finally decided to take a train to Kassel where I could stay with Keith, who could also help me repair my bicycle. As I was finishing my packing, he came into the room and angrily asked me what was going on. He said everyone had been so nice to me; why couldn't I be the same? I told him, “everyone but you.” I told him that since I'd been there I told him everything I was feeling and he told me nothing. I could only say this between sobs. I don't know what happened during the next 15 minutes of silence but apparently, Andreas had a major change of heart or something. He began telling me how he wishes he could care for someone but that he'd been hurt very badly in the past and that he didn't think he was capable. I never believed for a second that he couldn't care period I just don't understand how someone could want to care for someone else and yet not be able to. I didn't tell him this. I just told him that I'd been crazy about him ever since I set eyes on him at the bus station truly a case of love at first sight and that I'd made a great emotional investment in him I said I know I was taking a big risk in doing so and also taking a big step and coming to Europe largely because of him, as there is always the chance that things won't turn out as expected. But I said I did it anyway because I don't think life will be the adventure it should be if you are always being prudent. I said I don't choose to live that way. Even if I came to Tutzing and got my heart broken, it was a grand adventure and a great story. Anyway, something happened in his mind or in his heart and he told me some things he said he'd never told anyone which I think, showed that he felt there was finally someone who could relate to him. Anyway, the past 2 1/2 days have been some of the most exciting in my life period now I can really pat myself on the back and congratulate myself for having such amazing instincts. I knew I was right about this, and now Andreas knows it too period last night he told me, Mr. Lee, that he thinks I've torn down the wall that he'd been building for so long. And today he said he wants to travel a whole world with me. Also today he said he had a big problem because he thought he's in love with me I asked why that's a problem and he said that love is always a problem the difference is this time he said it with a smile! The Andreas I know now seems like a totally different person than the one I knew 5 days ago. And it's such a great feeling to know that I brought about this change and I did it by showing him how deeply I care. So anyway, we have made plans that I will come back in August when he has a couple of weeks of vacation and we can tour around on his motorcycle, probably in the Swiss Alps. And we'll see what happens from there.

           Another interesting thing happened today. I told Andreas as soon as I got here that of course, I had to meet Mr. Meitinger and thank him for his help. But Andrea said it probably wouldn't happen because he's a very busy man but he see what he could do. Today I met Andreas in Munich and he told me he thought we could see Mr. Meitinger for about 2 minutes in the afternoon but there was no guarantee. We got to the office and we were invited in an office where another man exchanged small talk with us for a few minutes and told me how large the Technical University is, with 25,000 or so students and said that the president is a very busy man, etc . . . it turns out that this man talking to us was some sort of a PR man. It felt like a debriefing session or something. After about 10 minutes this man left and returned soon after ushering a kind looking older man who I correctly assumed to be Mr. Meitinger. he spoke very little English but I greeted him with a kiss and thanked him. He told me it was good to meet me and that he wished me a good stay in Germany and then excused himself. I'm very glad to have met him. All during the whole business everyone seemed to have an air of amusement about them (the secretary, the PR man, Mr. Meitinger, etc . . .). apparently, the whole affair is famous. Andreas and I are probably the most well-known couple in the history of the university. Since Mr. Meitinger doesn't know English, his secretary had to translate the letter, and the task of finding Andreas was assigned to someone else (who sent his regards to me, regarding that he couldn't be there today for the meeting). and then, of course, there are all the Andreas in the architecture department who know the story, who I'm sure have told their friends and girlfriends, etc . . . Andreas always introduces me to people as “Julie . . . from Nashville” almost as if Nashville is a code word or something. Then a look of realization comes over their faces and they smile real big and say, “OHHHH! I see!” or something like that. Saturday night we went to this little pub in a small town about 15 miles away it was really remote and one of the guys Andreas introduced me to recognize who I was at the mention of where I'm from. My fame reaches even the remote villages of Bavaria! I think our blossoming relationship is the only fitting result of the pursuit which is so infamous. And I can only say that I knew it all along. Not sure how but I knew.

Sorry this letter was so long incoming!

Love,

Julie