Julie had just turned 37 on July 19th when she died on September 5th of 2007. She was in transition to a new life and a new career and as she had done so often in the past, was reinventing herself. There were projects she would have finished and things she needed to accomplish but instead it was all just over. I have been plagued by apprehension and disdain because of the constant reminder of pain and terror and loss remembering Julie’s last days while trying to celebrate the dreams she forged into reality from sheer force of will during her brief time with us. Julie was the youngest of seven and I was the closest to her in age. We grew up together, but each of her brothers and sisters had a special place in their hearts for Julie. Her death changed our family forever and we each have had to deal with the grief of that loss in our own way. This project is part of that grief and part of the healing I hope we can take from these moments she shared in her incredible life. Each time I sit down and open a new letter I carry mixed feelings of both anticipation and dread because of the great exploration she is experiencing at the time of these letters while I know she has been gone for 15 years. I have my own memories of our life growing up together and of this time in our lives, but these are the only stories she will share with me of this time in our lives and she will never write another letter.
When Julie died, I was in California alone out there testing the waters, trying to see if I could make a new start. It was my first day on an 800-room remodel of the Hyatt Regency Burlingame. I was numb at that point I had to fly back to Nashville for the funeral. Grief is sadness but also the confusion that no amount of acceptance seems to alleviate, however the way I carry the weight of this loss has changed for me over time. The term “bereavement” is applied to the loss of a significant person (such as a spouse, parent, child, or close relative or friend). In this case the grief and the sanctioned rituals are referred to as "mourning," although some writers use the terms “mourning” and “grieving” as synonyms. (Delahanty, & Washburn, 2021) We did celebrate the life Julie had and it was interesting to see all the different people whose lives were affected by her. I should have said something, but my mind was just too confused to convey the complicated range of emotions I was experiencing. Being proud of my sister, it was great to see so many people there to celebrate her life. I was curious about all of the people outside our shared friends and family that came to her funeral. I also felt terror, shame, and confusion at the whole situation. It was the type of confusion that fills one’s mind with “what ifs?” I was continuously playing scenarios of situations where Julie made it through this experience alive and I was stuck in that loop for a while. I would just ask “why?” and try to see some way of making any sort of sense. I wanted there to be someone to blame, but I found no reason for revenge, and I saw no pathway to justice. The killer was the victim, and I was still lost in the complication of putting that puzzle together and too confused to be recognizably coherent. I felt the pride and joy of being her brother, but my world was just completely upside down. When I got back into my daily schedule, after the funeral I cried once a day for about six months, usually while I was on my way to work in the truck alone. It was a deep hurt. Was that ritual even a choice or just part of my life at the time? I cannot know when the tremors of grief will hit. They seem to hit with less intensity and frequency over time but as I work through this project the cold dense pain of loss is still part of me.
I have suffered from depression for much of my life. One psychologist drew two lines on a whiteboard and explained my experience of depression in this way:
“You are the solid line while the dotted line is where one starts to feel okay. You have times of feeling less or more depression, but you are never not in a state of depression.” I have tried many different tools to deal with this natural state of being, however, this project has been difficult with the constant triggers for contemplation and introspection. I do not think that I have been hurt by this project however I do think there is potential for individuals to have difficulty with grief and for that grief to manifest into depression.
Julie was suffering from mental illness and addiction at the time of her death and left many unanswered questions. What made her do what she did when she did? That question hangs in the air to this day. I want to focus on her state of mind at the time of her death to see if there is a way to answer some of those questions. Exposure to stressful life events has been linked to subsequent depression, isolation, and loss of hope for the future (Kendler, Karkowski, & Prescott, 1999). Although Julie had decided to start a family, I think she felt trapped in living where she was when her marriage fell apart. She would not open up to me in the months before her death about the situation, but her behavior showed a transition from being in an empowered partnership where she was fulfilling her goal of a university degree, to filling a role in a place she did not belong. I don't think she ever planned on living in Kentucky, and I think part of what made her feel trapped was living the role of a suburban housewife in Bowling Green. I don't know precisely what ended the relationship, but I can see her feeling trapped with two kids in a small house in a suburban neighborhood. That was not who Julie was. Childbirth could be a factor in the mental state Julie experienced and I could continue to chase factors that may have caused her death, but I feel no healing from going down that path at this time. My hope is this project will help me share the pride and joy of using her own words to share who Julie was and why she was so special to each of us. Julie embraced nature during her life and especially understood the necessity of recycling. Lisa (my partner) brought trees for each of Julie’s siblings to her funeral. We planted ours in our field and I spread some of her ashes there near where we keep the compost heap. Julie would completely approve of this placement and the tree thrives to this day. Working through the new connections and memories this project brings forward I am also reminded that those trees grow bigger and stronger every day.
The way I've posted letters can be confusing in creating a cohesive timeline but at the beginning, it was important to take a snippet of different times and the moments she chose to share. My intention was to share the idea that Julie is not the same person each time she writes a letter. Her perspective on what life is or what things mean could change as her understanding of what she felt is important changed. After we established that understanding, I started to put them in a linear progression, and I was able to find and put pieces of the puzzle of her life together to follow her path as she traveled. Once I started to create the timeline it began to create a better understanding of why she was doing things the way she did. Chronologically this journey starts with a letter dated October 13th, 1990. Starting at this date presents a better idea of the chronological order as we go through Julie’s journey. As I continue this project after the presentation is complete, I hope to realign the letters and make it easier to follow the story of her life. I have also discovered that I need to restrict some of the information in the letters because of the privacy of others in that they have no say as to whether statements are true or should be shared. I have been able to reach one of the people in her letters, and I hope eventually this blog will connect more old friends with the memories shared here. My intention is that everything I share is appropriate in that it deals with Julie, her feelings, her life, and how she sees the world.
Early in the first letter, Julie mentions, “I think it's the best movie I've ever seen. It's a Mexican movie with English subtitles and the translation of the title is, “Like Water for Chocolate.” I watched the movie and was shocked when the main character after losing the love of her life sets herself on fire and dies. Julie’s death followed a similar pattern 14 years later. It is difficult for me to call her death a suicide from my own perspective but at the same time, it is difficult to deny her role. She did leave a note, but my mother destroyed it. I will leave the complexity of the story of Julie’s struggles with mental illness at the end of her life to simply say she had an agonizing struggle with addiction and other problems. Those concepts of hope and love and death seem to flow very freely through these letters, and I am continuously taken aback by the juxtaposition of these concepts as I look at her life. The letter I chose at random was from 1993 and Julie had moved back to the United States and was embarking on a new journey of managing a hostel in Alaska. She was beginning to do the things that she felt were important in her life and at this point wanted to give back to the community that had given her so much in the past few years. I'm left with a strange juxtaposition of beginning with one of the last letters that I have in this series. In my understanding, this is a different person leading a new life but showing that the beginnings continue to happen in Julie’s life.
In her letter of 23 February 1991, Julie relates: “the most important aspect of my plane trip was the distinct feeling [. . .], that I was not merely going on a vacation but on a very long-term discovery adventure.” Each letter shows change, new beginnings, and an outlook of discovery. As this project progresses, I will put these in a chronological sequence at this point and begin with October 13, 1990, the date Julie sent a letter to the president of the Technical University of Munich. It may seem strange to younger people to think about a world without the internet and without the ability to keep in touch with people all over the world simply with a few clicks of a mouse or swipes on a phone. Julie lived in a world where she didn't want to lose an opportunity to be happy. She recalled, “I didn't realize until we had parted ways that it was really love at first sight (now you know that it really does happen!)” She found someone and then she lost that person, but she became obsessed with meeting him again. Most people would just say “there are other fish in the sea,” but she didn't look at life that way. She made a plan. She thought about who would be able to help her and decided to reach out. Just from the clues of a short conversation, she found a person without the use of a computer, within a month. A short time later she started a new way of life on a different continent. She had never been to Europe. She was chasing her destiny. She was chasing the best version of the rest of her life.
We all have different events in our lives that create change. Many times, we try to orchestrate the changes in our lives to our own advantage. Julie flew into Paris looking for something. She went to Europe to discover who could be and also to find the person she wanted to be with. When Julie gets to the hostel in Paris the first person she meets is a girl with an Australian accent named, Narrell Barclay. I was able to track Narrell down through Linked In and she sent me several pictures of that first day. I could tell that these pictures matched the ones Julie had taken as they are both dressed the same in each. As I continue to correspond with her, I want to identify each individual from that particular day and see if I can get in touch with them as well. Narrell sent three pictures to me including two with Julie in them and one of a shirt she had recently painted. Julie writes about Cameron one of her new friends and in the picture, Narrell sent, he is wearing that shirt. These pictures from 30 years ago are already treasured by my family and we would have never seen them without this project. Julie wrote: “The next two days I spent with the same six people […] were two of the best days I've ever had in my life.” I didn’t expect to see new pictures, but I am thankful I reached out and hope that I will forge new friendships with these cherished people from Julie’s past.
Julie called this trip a discovery adventure and as I continue the process of immersion I continue to see and discover more things about her life and her adventures. As she traveled through Paris and France, she learned about living in the hostels and how to see what life was like in Europe without money. In her letter, she states:
“I've begun to realize that I had to do this trip this way because it's a way for me to prove myself that I really can take care of myself in many circumstances where others may not be so adventurous. It's the challenge of it all with which for some reason I feel I need to be presented, and although it may cause me much doubt/consternation/worry, I have to do it, just so I'll know I can make it through. For some, it's graduating from college for others it's training for the Olympics. This is my way to prove myself.”
All of the inconveniences of being without accessible income did seem to bother her some but I can't imagine Julie jumping turnstiles because that seems more like something I would do. However, I don't think I would break down the monetary impact of getting caught. She understood that in order for her to make it worth her while she had to make it 20 times without getting caught. I may not necessarily envision the scenario of Julie jumping the turnstiles, but I do see her counting each time she does in order to calculate the increased likelihood of getting caught as she gets closer to 20 trips. I can see that she is learning new things about who she is and what she is capable of during her introduction to Europe and to learning how to live in a completely different environment.
I think Julie meant these letters to be a journal. She wanted to have a way to remember this time in her life. As time passes experiences become more difficult to remember and she was planting memories in her mind every day. I think Julie understood the importance of keeping a record of events while they were clear. These letters sent to my parents were a way to connect with home but also a way for her future self to connect with this time in her life. She knew that this was an important time not only in her own life but also in the lives of our parents. Julie envisions my parents sitting down together at the table and reading each letter together as it reaches their home in Nashville. She even writes about them sharing coffee and fig newtons as they follow her progress on a map of Europe. I hope that this transition from paper to electronic format does something to connect others as well. Julie had children who are approaching the age she was in these letters. I hope there is a connection they can share as well as they ask themselves the same questions she asked and answered so many years ago. This journey that Julie took 30 years ago was meant to be shared. This was a journey of discovery not only for her but for each of us. I hope that as we follow her progress through these letters, we can realize the importance of finding what we are missing in ourselves. I hope each of us can find a discovery adventure of our own from the inspiration set down in letters written by a 20-year-old girl so many years ago.
Works Cited
Delahanty, E. J., Jr., & Washburn, A. (2021). Grieving in psychopathology. Salem Press Encyclopedia of 1AHealth.
Kendler, K. S., Karkowski, L. M., & Prescott, C. A. (1999). Causal relationship between stressful life events and the onset of major depression. American Journal of Psychiatry, 156(6), 837–841. doi:10.1176/ajp.156.6.837
Rezaeian, M. (2022). The unique characteristics of self-immolation compared to other types of suicide: What does this imply? Burns : Journal of the International Society for Burn Injuries, 48(1), 234–235. https://doi-org.ezproxy.mtsu.edu/10.1016/j.burns.2021.04.026
